Sunday, October 19, 2014

waking up.

lately, i have been thinking about this scene from Lone Survivor a lot.  the movie is easily one of my favorites of all time, and while i love most of the movie, seconds 1-40 of this scene is my absolute favorite part.  the soundtrack makes it even better, although the quality of this clip is a big muddy and does not do the music justice. [if you want to listen to a better clip of the music, you can go HERE.]

the reason i love the 40 seconds of this clip so much is because, to me, it represents life.  the running, the breathing, the gorgeous sunrise, the music.  it reminds me of simply being ALIVE, and what that means--how simple and hard and beautiful living can small life's moments can seem, but how, sometimes, they end up being bigger and wilder and more wonderful than we ever expected.

"i like living.  i have sometimes been wildly, despairingly, acutely miserable, racked with sorrow; but through it all, I still know quite certainly that just to be alive is a grand thing."
{--agatha christie}

Saturday, October 18, 2014

things i'm loving...

...about this weekend:

sleeping in.

finally getting back into working out.

meal planning.

time for long showers.

DIY pedicures + The Office reruns.

coffee dates.

playing with new make-up.

feeling pretty in a fresh, choppy haircut.

weather cool enough to wear jeans [even if it is just in the evening:)].

buttered hot cider with rum in mason jars...

...coupled with pumpkin bread filled with shredded carrots and pecans.

Gregory Alan Isakov & Noah Gundersen songs on repeat.

lit candles.

plans to go the antique fair and clean house tomorrow:)


weekdays lately have been hard.  

my workdays go by fast, but when i get home, loneliness sets in and i quickly become exhausted.  some days i sleep; other days i sit and watch The Office while i eat chips and ice cream.  i want to get out of this mindset--to make my weekdays feel accomplished.  there's old mail to go through, workouts to do, my guitar to be practiced, math tests to study for.  yet, i find myself with zero motivation--there is only deep, unexplained sadness.

i honestly don't feel "seen" in my day-to-day life by the people immediately around me.  fortunately, i have friends and family who are always up for long hours of phone conversations, and i love those times those much.  it makes me feel like the people i love aren't so far away after all.  maybe one day, i'll be closer to them again, and the thought makes me happy.

i think another part of the sadness is the constant feeling of inadequacy.  in a recent email to my friend, Ryan, i wrote: " the name of the game.  i feel so little confidence in who i am, what i'm doing, how i look, how i act, everything.  i feel like a non-person, nothing to offer."  and i think nothing could be more true.  i feel like so many other people have their "thing," whether that be their relationship with their husband, their family, photography, crafting, homemaking, music, sports, whatever...i don't feel like i have a niche where i fit in, where i feel purpose and calling.  i have been through seasons like this before, and God has always used them to lead me back to Him, to ask the question, "if i lost everything tomorrow, where would my identity lie?"  i know it has to be in Him, but that feels easier said than done.  it takes me back to my previous blog where i wrote that the simplest things feel worshipful, but i was so quick to lose that mindset.  now, i'm back to my old way of thinking and i hate that.  part of me does feel like i may need to make changes in my life, but i have no idea what those are.  the other part of me wonders if that's just my old nature, wanting to "DO," kicking in, and if i should just rest where i am.  the problem with that is that i'm truly not happy with where i am--there is no joy or feeling of belonging here.  so what do i do with that?  i'm not sure, so i'm trying to leave it in God's hands.  i wish that felt like something, but i doesn't, so i'm trying to remember the song lyric,

But hold on to what you believe in the light
When the darkness has robbed you of all your sight. {--Mumford & Sons}

in the meantime, i am living for these weekends.  for cooler weather and jeans and the taste of hot cider and the moments when i feel like life really is more than just surviving:) that's where i am this weekend, friends, and i'm enjoying it while it lasts because it feels so, SO good<3



Saturday, October 11, 2014

it has been over two months since i've written, and there is so much to say.  but i will start with the most important thing, and that is: last Sunday morning, i had a seizure.  since then, life has been a process of various endings and beginnings.  it felt mostly like endings at first, because i wondered how my body could betray me in such a huge and uncontrollable way.  there was nothing i could've done to see it coming, nothing i could have done to stop it.  it happened, and it felt like fear and death, but it also felt strangely like new life.  when my seizure left, it took all kinds of fear and doubt and worry with it.  today, my muscles are still sore and my headaches are still prominent and painful, but i also feel less afraid, less hectic, more secure.

i told Ethan that for months, maybe even years, i have felt like i'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown.  and while thigs didn't happen like that, i feel like it was another form of my body releasing all kinds of stress and anxiety i had been holding inside for YEARS.  yes, years.  and years and years.

through this, God has been teaching me so much.  after i was laid on my back for several days following the event, being able to do things like go to work and fold laundry and make my own bed have felt amazing and glorious and almost worshipful.

before this, i would feel guilty for ONLY going to work, ONLY doing laundry, ONLY making the bed.  surely, i could be, SHOULD be, doing more, striving harder, accomplishing bigger, better, more important things.  but now, my perspective has shifted.  i feel joy in being able to do those things, and i am learning to dwell in the holiness of them.  of what God has given me, of all the things He has blessed me with.

the ER doctor asked me questions about my stress level.  am i often stressed?  do i struggle with anxiety?  do i struggle with guilt?  the answer to all those questions is a resounding, echoing YES.  stress feels normal to me, but it's been eating away at me for so long that, as i mentioned above, i have often wondered WHEN i would have some kind of a breakdown.  

i have had a history of letting my emotions control me.  i have tendencies to get too attached, to invest too much in things i shouldn't be investing in.  i don't speak up, i shrink back and try to hide in small spaces.  i don't set boundaries.  i divide my energy and attention up amongst too many things.  i do things out of obligation, instead of joy.  i apologize all the time.  for needing things, wanting things.  i don't take ownership of the space i occupy; instead, i am often ashamed of it.  i also keep my guard up a lot.  i wear invisible armor like it's going out of style, and i hold desperately to it, so much that i fall into bed exhausted each and every day.  overall, i have lived life in a panic, constantly feeling devastated at all the ways i am failing.

but enough about all that.  that's in the past, and things feel new now.  different.  i can't explain it fully, but i feel this peace and rest that's deep down in my soul.  like, for the first time in a long time, i'm okay with who i am.  i no longer feel this desperation to strive, but more to simply BE.  it sounds so cheesy to write it out,  but i feel it, friends.  i feel it.

in the meantime, i am learning to take care of my body.  i've cut a lot of sugar and caffeine out of my diet, i'm drinking more water, and i'm sleeping when my body is ready to sleep.  i'm concerning myself less with the past and the future.  i'm forsaking to concern myself with comparisons to what other people are doing, accomplishing, talking about, wearing.  i feel like i'm more in the moment.  i am soaking up and falling more in love in my relationships, whether that be in person, on the phone, or through text messages.  i'm falling in love with my body--embracing every jiggle, dimple, curve.  this body is all i have, and i have to love it as such.  i'm no longer striving for bigger and better, but i am genuinely enjoying what's right in front of me.  i'm tasting food more deeply, talking less, dwelling on happy things.

i could write so much more, but i'll end by saying that life feels so good today, friends. :) the best it's felt in a long, long time.

"And He said, 'My presence will go with you, and I will give you rest.'” {--Exodus 33:14}