i'll be honest and say that i don't know where to start. i will say that i had to prep myself for this writing. i took a shower, made myself some tea, and then procrastinated by going to my favorite antique store and buying things. but i'm here now. a Starbucks white mocha is sitting on the nightstand to my left. my glasses are on and my hair is pulled back - which, in my mind, is basically the writer's equivalent to rolling up their sleeves and saying, "let's do this."
i've been wanting to write for months now. there is so much in my heart. but i've been afraid. i've thought about it every day, though. every day, i've thought about writing and missed it. but i told myself i wasn't ready - that i was tired, that there are too many other important things to do, that there will be a better time...always an excuse. then, this last week, i went to my local library and picked up 2 books. and through those books, God started talking to me about writing. the first book is Amy Poehler's "Yes Please." which, by the way, is hilarious and amazing from page 1. she's a brilliant writer. simple and funny and HONEST. and right in her preface, she started writing...about WRITING. she talked about how she once compared writing to brushing dirt away from a fossil, but how it's really like hacking away at a freezer with a screwdriver. and then she talked about being afraid - how she doubted ever "making it" and what if no one cares anyway? i feel like that at all the time. not really about making it, per say, but what if i am just wasting my time? what if my stories and thoughts are B.S.? i'm just one more voice on this planet - who really needs another STORY? but then Amy went on to discount her own doubts and just WROTE. and my favorite quote thus far is when she said, "You put your hand on your heart and feel it beating and decide if what you wrote feels true." and that's what i realized that i needed to hear. i should always write as long as it feels true to myself. which is scary because what if what feels true to me isn't really what other people care about or want to hear? but i can't care about that anymore. i just have to write what feels true. that's really hard and scary to think about doing, but Amy inspires me to do it.
the second book from the library where God spoke to me about writing was Shauna Niequist's "Savor." it's a daily devotional with short little Bible verses and paragraphs. for the past week, i've been reading it nightly before bed. i soak up the words in the devotional, then get into my Bible to read the verses she mentions as well as the surrounding chapters until i feel like i should stop. but anyways, more on that later. the part that got me was January 2nd's devotional titled "Start Where You Are." And it was a brief little blurb asking us what we are called to do and pointing out that many of us feel afraid or unprepared to DO THE THING. "This is the secret, though: No one is prepared enough. No one is perfectly ready," and "No one lives out an exciting calling without just plunging forward at some point, full of fear and uncertainty."
so that's where we're at. and i knew that these things were meant to talk to me about my fear of writing. there are so many things in the world i would love to do. but what makes me feel alive, makes me feel whole, brings me peace? writing is one of the handful of things that's always on the top of my list - alongside spending time in nature and with my family, singing, drinking coffee, and playing with cute animals.
i'll be honest and say that i've thought about writing a book. for years, i felt disinterested in that idea. i had no desire. that's changed now. and i don't want to write a book for fame or attention or even for anyone else to read. i want to write a book for myself. because i feel like i have stories to tell, stories bursting out of me. and i want to be able to look at bound-up pages and see the stories of God woven in my life between the words and syllables curled up between two covers. i DO want that. it's scary to admit, but i feel like i need to say it. because if i never tell my secrets, then maybe i'll never do anything about them.
so that's where i am right now with writing. more to come. :)